Linstead The Playlist
by GlasgowGirl92
Summary: This is a collection of drabbles and slightly long pieces based on the playlist I'm building for Linstead. There will be lots of angst, fluff and sass from these two. Chapters will take place across the series. Will feature guest appearances from the team as well as Med and Fire. Linstead.
1. Golden

A/N: Hello!

Okay, so! I've decided to build a Linstead playlist and write a whole load of prompts/drabbles based on them because there's a heck of a lot of feels there. So, this first one is based on Golden - Travie McCoy ft Sia. I have about 57 more...however if you have a song or even just a prompt, feel fre to leave it in the review or drop it to me in a PM.

Enjoy!

* * *

Golden

 _You got that look in your eyes, eyes  
I can tell you had bad dreams last night  
Let me take you in my arms; you can cry, cry  
Let me love you 'til you feel alright  
Cause I am yours; you are mine, you are mine, mine (yeah)  
Not going anywhere, oh, I am standing by your side (uh-uh)  
I will love you 'til the end of time, time  
I will love you 'til the day we die_

Cases like this, like the ones they'd faced today, always hit Jay hard. Erin had noticed from the first case involving kids they'd caught after he joined the unit that he always seemed to connect and take them hard. He wasn't one to _show_ how much they'd affected him, not really, but he'd had subtle tells and Erin had picked up on most – if not all of them. Today had been particularly tough; three tender-age victims, arson and two extremely uncooperative suspects had Voight sending the Unit home in spells for a couple of hours R&R to keep them fresh enough to find something to nail the guys.

Adam and Kevin had headed out first, bringing back pizza and coffee for those staying when they had returned, Erin had been content to let any of the others go before she and Jay, and the fact Jay didn't move when Voight had said _next two_ only showed that he wanted to keep at it. It was the pointed look from Voight that had Erin all but gathering Jay's things for him, _around_ him as he continued to sort through paper work. She had stood beside his desk while he actively ignored her as he read and reread the files right until the moment she put her hand on his shoulder and whispered his name before he stopped and begrudgingly got to his feet, sulking down the hallway to the 300. Antonio had sent her a sad smile and she'd nodded, walking quickly to catch up with him.

He'd wordlessly stood beside the car until she got there, climbing in and belting up before she'd even crossed the garage. Erin always enjoyed the silence, especially when she was with Jay – she'd always felt safe with him, if they were speaking or just sitting there in the silence, she knew he had her back just like she knew the colour of her eyes and the fact that it was 42 steps from her front door to her bed if she included her nightly routine. Tonight, however, the silence was heavy and filled with _something_ and Erin couldn't really put her finger on what it was.

She tried the usual questions surrounding food, who would shower first, were they going to forego food in the name of sleep, or were they going to just chill on the sofa. Jay's responses had been non-verbal and non-committal. Erin was close to calling him on his shit, right until the moment his hand rested on her knee as she drove and gave a small squeeze, but didn't move. She'd glanced at him, a sidewards look that had her breath catching as she nodded once, accepting the silence immediately at the pained expression on his face. The mask he always wore to keep himself in check, but those eyes of his never lied, couldn't lie to her anyway, and they were burning a hole into the side of her face and red rimmed and they didn't have the mischievous sparkle they usually did. When they'd stopped at a spotlight, she eventually rested her hand on his and squeezed, bringing his hand to her lips and pressing a kiss against his fingers as she turned to look at him, swallowing hard at the sheer volume of _relief_ that was coming off him in that moment that she almost missed the lights changing. Again.

With a four-hour break, they'd decided that they could pick something up on the way back to the district and just lounge around on the sofa for a bit, maybe catch a nap. Usually after cases like this, Jay would be too wired to sleep and he'd go work out before joining her beneath the covers and pulling her close. Tonight, however, he was the one to go into the bedroom and retrieve three of Erin's pillows and the two blankets, setting up a nook on the sofa for them while Erin showered. His freckles stood out in stark contrast tonight, he was unusually pale and looked entirely too small sitting on the edge of the bed as he waited for her to come out of the ensuite. She had moved over to him before he'd been able to get to his feet, leaning down to press a soft kiss against his forehead, earning herself a slight smile for her efforts. Jay had stood, then, kissed her cheek and stepped around her into the bathroom, Erin's heart sinking a little when she heard the lock click shut. They had come such a long way, but still had quite a way to go to get around the locked doors in the apartment. It was space, however, and considering she'd done it the night that Justin had- Erin cleared her throat and stood, moving over to the dresser to find one of his shirts to curl up in while he did whatever it was he had to do to get himself focused again.

* * *

A half hour later and she'd wanted nothing more than to be curled up on the sofa drinking a cold beer, but technically they were still on the clock and they only had a couple of hours to really relax, so that was out of the equation. Instead, Erin had settled on making them both some hot chocolate, trying to remember the way Jay made it – trying to work out the correct ratio of chocolate power, to milk, to marshmallows. Jay had left the TV on, some old movie playing in the background of the softly lit apartment, enough to ward off the silence. She was so focused on measuring things exactly right into the two mugs that she hadn't heard him approach and almost spilled the entire contents of the saucepan when he wrapped his arms around her from behind. Had it not been for his lightening quick reflexes they would have been paying a visit to med for burns; luckily, there was only a small spillage between the two mugs that Jay had cleaned up before Erin had even managed to put the pan back down on the hob.

"Warn a girl," Erin told him sternly as she turned around to punch him lightly on the arm, the soft smile tugging at his lips had her grinning back at him and pushing up onto her tiptoes to kiss him soundly on the lips, her grin widening when he kissed her back and wrapped an arm around her; her partner was working back to being himself again.

"No fun in warning you." Jay replied, leaning down to press a chaste kiss on her lips, soft and sweet. "Thank you," he stated after a beat, his eyes locking on hers.

"That's why you have backup." Erin grinned, smoothing her hands up and down his arms, laughing when he reached around her for the spoon to stir the mugs, keeping her close and peppering a couple of kisses into her hair. She let him hold on, let him press her against his chest as he moved the cups around and reached into the cupboard above her head, bringing his hand up and pressing her face against his chest, a chuckle escaping from both of their lips, his rumbling through his chest against her cheek.

"Uh-uh, it's my secret ingredient, can't be a secret if you find out what it is." Jay told her, his voice filled with the sassy teasing he usually reserved for her when she made him feel like a househusband at work.

She didn't answer him verbally, instead, Erin chose to wrap her arms around him and nuzzle against his chest through his shirt, pressing a kiss right over the place her head sat when they were curled up together as she allowed for him to clatter around behind her as he used his body to pin her against the counter, to free his hands.

When she heard the cupboard close she looked up at his face and tiptoed to kiss him, earning herself _that_ look. The one he gave her, all soft eyes and vulnerable. The look that made her want to protect him at all costs. Jay stepped back and holding both mugs in his hand as he backed up and headed into the living-room, to the faux pillow fort he'd set up on the sofa.

Erin paused to watch him; waited to see what he was going to do. Jay had apparently had the same idea, waiting for her to make the first move and Erin then sat down against one of the pillows, settling down and holding her hand out for the mug. With a smile, he passed it off and joined her at the opposite end of the sofa, taking a sip and nodding.

"You're learning," Jay nodded, earning himself a laugh from the woman before she took a sip and agreed.

"I think it's time you tell me your secret ingredient." She told him with a raised eyebrow, watching as he shook his head vehemently.

"Absolutely not. Then I'll be redundant when it comes to hot chocolate making and you'll own my ass there, too. I'm already a househusband at work, I'm owning it here, too." He stated firmly, and if it wasn't for the small little sheen of humour in his eyes, Erin might have believed that her man was being serious as well as sassy.

* * *

They had finished their drinks in silence, a comfortable one this time, as they watched Scarlett O'Hara on screen and Erin's obvious disdain from certain scenes had had Jay chuckling, earning himself a swat at his knee which in turn earned Erin a raised eyebrow and a pointed _Hypocrite_ look. It was after Jay had taken the mugs to the kitchen and washed them _and the saucepan,_ that he'd made a move that had shocked Erin, frozen her momentarily. When Jay returned to the sofa, Erin had expected him to settle on the sofa and open his arms for her to crawl over so they could cuddle for an hour or so. However, he had sat in the space that she'd usually crawl over and then moved one of the pillows so he was laying on the sofa, his head on her lap, her hand curled around her leg.

When the shock had worn off, her hand immediately moved to his hair, stroking through the soft strands as he grinned up at her. She grabbed the blanket Jay had tossed over the back of the sofa and covered him with it, leaning down to press a kiss to his forehead.

"Is this okay?" his voice was so soft Erin thought that she'd imagined it, but the vulnerability in his eyes let her know that she'd heard him right and she grinned down at him, nodding.

"More than." She told him, kissing him again before adjusting the pillow at her back, smiling when he reached down to place his phone on the floor, having set the alarm. Afterwards, he curled smaller and let his eyes close, enjoying the way she was stroking his hair; allowing himself the small comfort.

* * *

Erin wasn't sure when she fell asleep; or what had woken her, but the quiet pained groans that were filling the apartment had her alert. She began to move but the weight on her legs had her glancing down; frowning at the expression on Jay's face and the soft sheen of sweat that was covering him. It took her sleep addled brain a second or two to work out that the noises were coming from _him_ and a second or two longer to realize what was actually happening. Jay was having a nightmare. The man she loved was curled in the foetal position, a death grip on her leg as he muttered and pleaded about something; his body reacting to whatever was happening in his head.

She wasn't sure what it was about, but her hand moved to Jay's hair again, finding it matted with sweat, deepening her concern. Should she wake him? She didn't know. Different people had different opinions on that; but Erin knew she had to do something, because Jay was becoming increasingly more distressed, increasingly more agitated, murmurs getting louder until she made out one word. _Ben._

"Hey, hey, shh." Erin cooed softly, moving her hand to his chest, feeling his heartbeat hammering under her palm. "Jay, hey, come on, you're dreaming." She couldn't keep the worry from her voice, hated the way her voice shook when he needed her to be the strong one. She shifted slightly to lean down, kissing his forehead. "Jay, babe, wake up. Wake up for me." She said a little louder, stronger, hand still stroking through his hair as she tried to pull him from the dream. " _Jay_."

He woke with a start: a sharp intake of breath, eyes flying open and body jerking towards the sound of her voice. He was alert in the time it took her to lean back slightly, to give him room. He was breathless, however, eyes panicked and wide, heart hammering faster and Erin began to wonder if it had been the right thing to wake him up.

"Erin." Her name was raspy on his dry lips, his mouth clearly dry as he swallowed hard and a soft pink coloured his cheeks. It was only then the penny dropped. He was embarrassed to be having the nightmare curled up like this, with her. He was embarrassed that she'd seen him like this. Seen him vulnerable.

"You're okay, it's just me." Erin told him, continuing to stroke his hair, her thumb now stroking his chest as she kept him firmly on the sofa. "It's okay." She reassured him, a small smile on her face as she tried to regulate his breathing, clearly fighting for control. "This?" she stated, pointedly looking at him. "Is more than okay." It was almost a battle, she could see he wanted to move, probably lock himself in the bathroom again in the guise of having another shower, but Erin needed him to know that it was okay for him to trust her, to lean on her should he need to. She leaned down to kiss his forehead again, continuing the soothing motions of her hands until he was calm enough for her to let him sit up.

He moved, but only slightly, and his fingers curled around here in the space he was just lying on the sofa. "You wanna talk about it?" She asked, when he wouldn't meet her eyes, almost afraid they were returning to the silence of the car. This time, however, he shook his head in the negative and eyed her bedroom door and she knew he wanted to bolt, that much was now obvious. Erin squeezed his hand and eventually he looked at her, the same lost look on his face that made him look so much younger than he was; the same look that she hated seeing on his face. Jay eventually cleared his throat, opening and closing his mouth a few times before the alarm went off, causing both to jump, chuckling when he reached down to turn it off, hands still wrapped in hers.

"I think I should shower again," he said quietly, "dunno when I'm going to get another shot." Jay leaned over and pressed a kiss to Erin's lips, taking her slightly by surprise but bringing both of her hands up to cup his cheeks, rubbing her thumbs over the slight scruff before pulling back and raising a brow.

"Fine, and a quick shave." He grumbled, the shadows dissipating from his eyes as he stood.

"If you would have let me buy you that electric shaver in the sale—" Erin tried to reason with him, laughing when he cut her off.

"—excuse me. Those things don't work." He pointed his finger at her, "I like my razor, it takes me five minutes. We're good."

"Then take your five minutes, I need to get dressed." The reminder of Erin's sentence was met with a scoff as Jay made his way to the bathroom, Erin waited to hear the click of the lock, grinning when she didn't even hear the door close properly.

Jay was a long way from coming forward about his issues; childhood, army or pre-intelligence days and she got that. Understood it. Accepted it. She'd already set herself up for the long haul with him and he'd been patient enough with her; it was the least she could do to return the favour. As she made her way into the bedroom, she couldn't help but laugh at the sight that greeted her; Jay in the bathroom, making faces as he shaved. When his laughter and sassy remark about her distracting him made her laugh harder and suddenly they were bantering back and forth about breakfast foods and what to take back to the unit and what his secret ingredient for the hot chocolate really was.

They weren't perfect, but it was real. It was hard work and it was painful at times but they had each other's six both on and off the job and that's what was important.


	2. Safe Inside

**A/N:**

 **Okay, so Part 2! Thank you so much to everyone who has read and reviewed and subscribed to this series, it warms my cold, cold heart! This is set after the season 2 finale but before season 3 premier. It's shorter than usual, but this song spoke to me in ways few others have. Enjoy, Safe Inside! I'm open to song suggestions and prompts, so feel free to ask!**

* * *

 **Safe Inside**

 _Will you call me to tell me you're alright?_  
 _'Cause I worry about you the whole night_  
 _Don't repeat my mistakes, I won't sleep 'til you're safe inside_  
 _If you're home I just hope that you're sober_  
 _Is it time to let go now you're older?_  
 _Don't leave me this way, I won't sleep 'til you're safe inside_

When Hank had returned without Erin, the team had been silent. No-one had looked up as he passed, no-one moved right away – only Ruzek had jumped at the sound of the door slamming. A thick silence had passed over the bullpen as the rest of the team faced the shockwaves of what that meant. They were down a team member. Whether it was short term or long term – that was unclear, but Lindsey's desk was empty and if the further slamming of things was enough of an indication; Hank had her badge. Atwater had started a couple of sentences, Ruzek, too. Dawson had been the one to hold his hand up, causing them to close their mouths and not offer any more unfinished sentences.

The loss was tangible, it was absolutely felt by everyone as the silence descended once again, not even the sound of typing or pages turning could touch the silence. Their team was down one and Jay was down a partner. He'd known she was struggling, had tried to help, had tried to have her back but it wasn't good enough and it wasn't the first time those kinds of efforts hadn't been enough; hadn't been spotted. He swallowed hard, eyes on the screen in front of him as his vision blurred a little as he tried to breathe as normally as possible. His fingers itched to pick up his phone and call her, ask her what was happening but he resisted, an ugly and unbidden image of the guy on her sofa permeating his mind and causing him to huff out a breath and try to focus.

The usual banter that had once filled the bullpen still hadn't resumed, Dawson had made himself scarce, Atwater eventually had left the room, too. The emptiness was jarring and Jay had yet to look right across the space, hadn't allowed his eyes to waver from the screen since Voight had returned. His hands shook as he tried to ignore the silence of the room, usually the lack of noise didn't bother him but right now it was suffocating and Jay could hear his heart hammering in his chest. He caught movement out of the corner of his eye, Olinsky was making his way towards Voight's office; the former partners had a kinship that Jay fully understood now. You have your partner's six and you do whatever it is you must do to help them.

With that, the detective stood and snatched his coffee mug and his phone, making his way into the breakroom and over to the machine, hating the way his hands shook and his stomach flipped. He'd called her multiple times and got no answer, only recently having to leave multiple messages for her to get her to work. Jay had waited until after he'd poured his coffee and taken a sip, even placed the mug back on the counter before he brought her name up on his contact list and pressed call. As he leaned against the counter waiting for her to answer; he subconsciously began to crack the fingers of his right hand, sighing in frustration when he ended up with her voicemail. He tried again; another frustrated sigh escaping his lips when the same thing happened again. Jay ran his hand over his head, fingers ending up in his hairline as he tried for a third time; his call immediately being sent to voicemail this time.

"Erin, its uh, it's Jay. I don't know what happened, but uh, call me, okay?" He ended the call and turned around, smacking his hand off the counter and dropping his phone onto it, leaning heavily on it as he sucked in a breath, trying to stop the noise in his head, to rationalise this. Every possibility ran through his mind; from simple time off to her having _left_ the unit, but he needed to know for sure and he wouldn't know until she got back in touch with him.

 _But what if she can't?_ The thought sprung unbidden and unwelcomed into his mind and he shuddered at the thought. Voight was a lot of things; heavy handed, brash, stern. Jay was aware though, that he wasn't the only one on the unit who loved Erin, she was like a daughter to Hank and really, there wasn't anything she could do that would cause Voight to hurt her.

"You doin' okay in here?" Al's soft tone filtered through his thoughts and Jay turned to face him, trying to get his mask back in place, trying to look as though he was fine and that there was nothing wrong and he hadn't just been on the verge of a panic attack three seconds ago. His attempts were obviously futile, but the fact that Al's face never wavered from indifferent put the younger man at ease.

"Yeah, just making coffee, want some?" Jay tried not to sound as exhausted as he suddenly felt, reaching for his mug to take a sip.

"I'm good." Al held a hand up, but leaned against the doorframe. "Going on a donut run soon, I need some company. The kids talk too much." Al's voice never changed, either, but he also didn't look away as Jay tried to act as casually as possible.

"Sure." Jay shrugged, taking another drink of coffee. "Just let me know when you're ready to head out and I'll grab my stuff." He nodded at the older detective, keeping the smile on his face until Al tapped the frame twice and gave him a nod walking away. Jay let out a breath he didn't realize he had been holding and felt himself slump against the counter; mug shaking in his hands. The thought of food made him nauseous; but he knew Al had an ulterior motive for this, was trying to get him out because he _never_ went on donut runs and any food runs Al went on, he took the Ruzek with him.

It was nice of the older detective to look out for him, but at the same time, Jay knew that nothing was going to make this any easier unless Erin herself came back and sat facing him at her desk. Even Erin who was clearly suffering from a hangover or something else sitting at that desk meant that she was within his reach and he could take care of her; actually, see her and make sure she was still _okay_. His phone buzzed against the counter and he jumped, grabbing for the device and letting out a string of swear words as he stared at the screen, slowly growing numb, the three-word message causing him to run his fingers over his hairline and sigh.

 _I'm sorry Jay._

He didn't really know what that meant, what she was apologizing for, but Jay did know that he wouldn't be getting anything more from his partner, not now, so he unlocked his device and swallowed hard, typing a message right as Al called about food.

 _Call me if you need anything, Erin. Anytime._

* * *

It had been a week and he hadn't heard from her. It was Al who had eventually sat them down and told them that Erin had temporarily left the unit, Voight announcing later that she'd quit and that was it. Jay however, had still been sending texts, even though he knew Voight had given up. Erin had read every single one of them, but she hasn't replied and it had hurt him more than he had cared to admit. He'd slept maybe a combined 15 hours in the past 7 days and it wasn't enough. He needed to be sharp at work; their case was moving into dangerous territories, gang wars and shots were being fired here, there and everywhere. He'd already narrowly missed being shot and the look Voight had given him was enough for him to know he had to get his head back in the game.

Which is how he managed to find himself outside of her apartment, in his car, at 11pm. Jay knew he was probably inching into some kind of strange stalker headspace, but he needed to know that she was safe, if not sober. Jay had eventually visited the bar earlier, but Erin was nowhere to be found which lead him to believe she could be here. Her Livingroom light was on, but he couldn't see any movement inside.

Jay jumped again, hand going for his gun when the passenger door opened only to let out an exasperated sigh.

"You're outside my apartment and you're gonna give me shit for getting into your car?" Even with smudged eye makeup, a slight slur and a glazed over look in her eyes, Erin was still the most beautiful woman he had seen. She looked tired, exhausted even, and was clearly under the influence of something, but she was there, within his reach, in his car.

"You haven't called."

"I don't need anything." She all but spat back at him and he ignored the way it felt like a punch to the gut and sounded more like _I don't need you._

Jay raised an eyebrow at her, and nodded once. "Still coulda called." It was a weak answer and even in her semi-sober state Erin seemed to pick up on the fact.

"Why are you here Jay?"

"Because you didn't call." _Because you left without saying goodbye. Because you quit. Because you didn't say it was over._

"We just covered that."

"Erin—"

"Don't." She told him, turning to properly face him, her arm leaning against the seat as she pointed at him. "You don't have the right to come here and tell me how to live my life."

"First off," Jay mirrored her actions, an anger at being left bubbling to life. "I'm not coming here to tell you how to live your damn life, Erin. I came here because my partner, my _friend_ up and left her damn job without a word to anyone. I'm allowed to be concerned. I'm allowed to come and check in with you because you don't answer my texts or return my calls."

Erin scoffed and shook her head. "Maybe I don't do those things because I don't care enough to want to."

If she would have slapped him it would have hurt less. Jay swallowed and chuckled. "I know you care. I know you do, somewhere—"

"Jay, you don't know me. You think you do, but you don't." He would have been more convinced if she would have looked him in the eye when she said that, but he could feel the icy grip of loss and numbness working its way through him at her tone.

"Then let me." His voice was soft, pleading as he looked at her, hands itching to touch her, but knowing he couldn't, the anger that was bubbling now gone, leaving him exhausted.

Erin gave him a sad smile, opening her mouth to say something before her cell sprung to life, filling his car and breaking whatever moment they were about to have. "Hey, Landon, yeah, I'm on my way up."

Jay swallowed and looked away, bringing his hand to his hairline as he blocked out the rest of the call, not needing to know what her plans were.

"I gotta go." Erin stated into the space between them, the distance seeming much farther now. When he didn't turn to face her right away, she called his name and he turned to look at her, expressionless. "You gotta stop."

Jay shook his head. "I'll give you all the space you need, but you're my friend, Erin. I'm worried about you. What you went through, no-one should have to face that alone." He sighed and brought his hand down. "We're all here for you, when you're ready."

It was Erin's turn to let out an indignant snort and then out of nowhere she shook her head and opened the door. "You done, yeah?" she snapped and Jay wasn't sure how the 180 had happened, but he was now looking at someone he didn't recognize. "Go find someone else to save." She spat, eyes looking anywhere but at him as she climbed out of his car and slammed the door, hurrying to her apartment building.

* * *

Jay had continued to text her; sometimes trading text but mostly not. He'd never stopped outside of her apartment again, but had driven by at least once a week. He'd spoken to Voight a handful of times before the Sargent had eventually told him that he'd filled Erin's absence as furlough. That she was running out of time to sort herself out to come back. Jay had marked it on his calendar, checked it every day, he'd struggled with the idea of her not being there.

In every conversation the pair had had, she'd never told him why she left. She'd never really committed to _leaving,_ she'd never told him it was _over_ and that's what he needed. Jay needed the closure if she had walked away. He needed her to look him in the eye and tell him that it was done. He hated how needy it made him sound; but the lingering doubt, the lack of finality, wasn't something he could deal with. In his life, Jay had always had the black and white notion of who was in his life and why they were there, but she was his grey area. She was the one area of his life where uncertainty had taken up residence and wouldn't go away.

Jay had spent more nights than he could count lying awake, working out how to get Erin the help she needed, how to help her talk. He'd called some of the people that had helped him when he'd first gotten back to clean up his act after his last tour to ask about getting help for her, without naming names, without giving any information. His efforts had led to people assuming that he was the friend and nothing about that had frustrated him more. Erin was his partner, and it was his duty to help her out of the hold she'd dug for him. Erin was his friend, and you _always_ help a friend out when you can. Erin was…she wasn't _his_ anymore, but she'd always hold part of him and he'd always be the one who would be there when she needed him. No matter what.

It was then that Jay had had the idea, calling his friend at 4am.

"Yo, mouse, I need a favour."

 _Will you call me to tell me you're alright?_  
 _'Cause I worry about you._


	3. Lullaby

A/N: _So, we needed fluff and this was bouncing around in my head before queseraone and halsteadpd started talking about stuff and well this is what we've got. Chapter 3 of the Linstead Playlist and this is my secret little song that I've been keeping in my back pocket for times like this. This, ladies and gents, is called Lullaby by a band called The Dixie Chicks, and it makes my heart melt when I hear it. This chapter is ever so slightly AU and as always, songs suggestions, prompts and reviews make me a super happy human. Massive thank you to those who reviewed the last chapter! 3_

 _Happy Weekend!_

* * *

 _They didn't have you where I come from_  
 _Never knew the best was yet to come_  
 _Life began when I saw your face_  
 _And I hear your laugh like a serenade_

Erin wasn't quite sure how she'd managed to get here. Well. She _knew_ how she'd gotten _here_ and if she didn't then she really would be in trouble. She just didn't know how she'd managed to find her way to this moment; after all the wrong turns and turning on her heels and running back down the way she'd came. It was almost surreal to find herself in a space she never thought she would be, living a life she didn't deserve but had always wanted.

The apartment had indeed gained that 65 inch plasma, the install guy had been an artiste. It was her one concession to Jay in the room, the damn TV and Erin had to admit, The Real Housewives did look better on that screen. It was her one guilty pleasure that only Jay knew about and even he'd laughed himself into a heap on the floor when he came home from an overtime shift to find her watching it. She'd scowled at him as he had doubled over and then fallen to his knees, eventually rolling onto his back with an arm thrown over his eyes, face red with laughter and wet from the tears. Erin had sworn him to secrecy on pain of death and when he'd calmed down he'd shrugged and simply reiterated what he'd said when she mentioned the pillow thing – _Do your thing babe._

The memory brought a smile to her face as she sighed, turning to nuzzle his shoulder as he rested on the sofa, the lamp the only thing illuminating the space.

"I still don't even understand why you're here." Erin stated softly, turning to look up at his tired face.

"You're up, I'm up." Jay had replied, voice husky, not even meeting her gaze.

"Jay, there's no _need_ for you to be up right now." Erin had whispered back, kissing his shoulder when a small spark of hurt flickered in his eyes before she added "It's a feed. We don't have any bottles left, so there's really nothing you can do. It has to be me."

"I can burp her." Jay told her softly, eyes still locked on the bundle quietly feeding in Erin's arms. He had the same stupid look on his face every time he looked at his daughter. "Besides, we both know Millie prefers me to rock her to sleep, don't we Mills?" he asked, reaching out to stroke her cheek causing Erin to huff.

"That's because she's some kind of thrill seeker and you're essentially a ride at Universal."

"So?" Jay asked, pressing a kiss to Erin's cheek as she settled back against him, her back to his chest, leaving him room to rest his arm on the back of the sofa, this thumb rubbing his daughter's head.

Erin laughed, watching as their daughter's eyes began to drift closed at the soft touch of Jay's thumb on her forehead, knowing the feeling well. It had become close to the only way she could fall asleep while she was pregnant, having Jay stroke her head like that as she curled into him, pillows be damned.

"If she falls asleep, you're sitting up with her." Erin told him on a yawn. It wasn't even a threat, it wasn't something Jay wouldn't willingly do. In fact, any time after sleep time? He'd already signed up for all of it and carried it out, multiple times since Camille Marie Halstead, the tiniest little human being they'd ever met, came into their lives screaming at the top of her tiny lungs, making more noise than anything that size ever should, at 4am on the fourth of goddamned July. Jay had joked about calling her freedom, or Justice or Liberty or _America_ or a plethora of ridiculous patriotic names that he could think of when the doctor had told them the due date.

As Erin's gaze wandered between them both, she couldn't deny the absolute bond they had between them. Tiny human and huge badass dude. A match made in heaven. Jay pressed a kiss against Erin's temple and muttered something about threatening him with a goodtime, but his words were muffled with a yawn and into her hair, but she knew it was a smartass remark.

Millie began to wriggle in Erin's arms, turning her head away from Erin's chest, signalling she'd had enough now and she was full. _Maybe._ The kid had her dad's appetite and she was apparently never full.

"My turn," Jay spoke and Erin could hear the grin in his stupid smug voice, but she couldn't deny the way her heart melted when he moved from behind her to his knees on the carpet, a towel already over his bare shoulder, and took the precious little bundle of sheer joy into his arms, resting her against his shoulder as he fluidly got to his feet and began to walk with her, rubbing her back as he made his way into the kitchen and Erin heard the kettle flick on.

She began to fix her shirt, going in search of the pump while Jay went about his own routine of making her a cup of herbal tea as he told Millie stories about all the great things she would do when she grew up. Tonight, Millie was going to be the President of the United States and she was going to make it illegal for messy woman not to have an organisational system for the bathroom.

* * *

Within three quarters of an hour, Erin was halfway to falling asleep as she perched herself on the edge of the bed, waiting for Jay to come back in. Millie had been sick all the way down his back, missing half the towel and getting his sweats despite how low they had sat on his hips. Which had meant his routine had been thrown off by a good ten minutes; given that he usually sterilized bottles and made sure that the place was locked _again_ before coming to bed. Erin watched the steady rise and fall of Millie's chest, the way her little eyes flicked back and forth beneath the lids, the tiny parting of her tiny lips and the cute little waffling noise she made every so often. The first time she'd made that noise, both Jay and Erin had put in a panicked call to Will and Natalie, and then taken her for a check-up the next day just to be sure she was alright, neither sleeping until she had gotten the all clear.

Erin felt the bed dip behind her but didn't turn around, transfixed on the baby in the crib at her side of the bed. Jay's legs soon bracketed her own, strong arms encircling her waist, pulling her against him as he pressed a kiss against her temple again. Her breathing soon matched his, a steady rise and fall, soothing, comforting and she laced her fingers with his, content to sit here and absorb his quiet strength at 4am knowing that he'd come back to bed more as a courtesy to get her to sleep and not actually get much meaningful sleep of his own.

"It's paperwork day," Jay told her, his thumb stroking over her hand with the same tenderness he had their daughter's head. "So, I should be able to get home early. Maybe we could go out for food. You know, as a family." The suggestion was made softly and Erin knew if she had been looking at him, his gaze wouldn't have met hers. In the four months since Millie had made her appearance, Erin could count on one hand the amount of times they'd actually managed to eat a meal together, much less leave the house and eat out. It had been a huge adjustment for them, becoming parents and Erin taking time off work to be a mom and she knew Jay struggled to balance being the cop that the Intelligence Unit needed him to be and the partner and father that he had to be for Erin and Millie. The Unit had banded together, helped them out when they could, but it had still been a culture shock.

It wasn't just timing issues either, it was the fact that the only time either one of them could sleep is if the other was there to look after the baby, and Erin always felt guilty that Jay would be the one to get up most nights, given the fact he was the one who was working all day. She sensed the apprehension coming off him in waves, a small smirk on her lips when he tucked his forehead against her neck because if he brought his hands near his hairline she'd know he was up to something.

"I'd like that." She found herself saying, more surprised to find that it was true. The thought of going out to some small diner as a family really did make her grin and she turned to look at him; that sentimental part of her falling desperately in love with him all over again at the prospect of putting on makeup and something that wasn't his shirts to head out for food.

"I love you," Erin told him as she turned in his arms, causing the smile she never knew she needed to see to light up his face in the moonlit room.

"That's only because I'm feeding you." He deadpanned, his tone completely contradicted by the grin. She swatted at him and turned into his arms fully, allowing him to flip her gently onto her back, her hands clamping over both of their mouths as Millie made a noise akin to a whimper, but her breathing evened out as they stared at each other in silence, sighing against Erin's palms when it was clear that the baby was going to continue to sleep.

Jay rolled onto his side of the bed, pulling Erin into his arms with him, and pressing a kiss atop of her head. "I do love you, you know that, right?" he enquired as he arranged the blankets around his partner, taking her hand and bringing it to his lips to press a kiss to her knuckles.

"Of course I do," Erin told him, propping herself up so she could rest her chin on his chest, his skin cool to the touch in the Chicago fall. "I've never doubted that. Not once."

The silence that fell was weighted as she watched every scenario pass through Jay's features. Not once; not since she found out he was married, not since he left and moved in with Will, not since she left for New York, not since it took a case to take _him_ to New York with SVU for them to work together again, not since _she_ left _him_ in his hotel room only to call him four months later with the bombshell that they were going to be parents but it was okay because _she could do it on her own._ The only decision that had been to make was would the baby be born in Chicago or New York and where they were going to live.

She'd never doubted he loved her from the second that he'd broken down in front of her, laying bare his demons and his fears over the impending birth of the child and if he'd turn out like his dad had. She'd never doubted that he'd loved her through every single bump in the road.

"When did you know?" he asked eventually, tilting his head to look at her, so many other questions swirling around in his mind, but that was the only one he could get out.

"When did I know you loved me?" Erin asked, and then gave a shrug at Jay's affirmative nod. "Since you never gave up on my sorry ass when I took my sabbatical. You never once gave me any reason to doubt you; it was baby steps, and it didn't matter that it took months, you waited. No-one has ever done that for me before; so I figured I was either _that_ good in bed, or it was more than that."

"I am absolutely not complaining about your bedroom skill set." Jay chuckled, lifting his hand to comb through her hair. "But I think I loved you before all that." He said, his voice unsure, as though he was saying the words for the first time and only realizing they were true. "I think I loved you when you broke it off with me for the unit." He stated, a frown on his face. "It's how I've always known you actually felt something for me. You back away from it. Usually."

It was Erin who chuckled, "You knew I loved you because I ended the relationship?" she asked, leaning into his touch, knowing if she rested her head back down on his chest that she'd be out in seconds.

"Yeah; you've always been terrified of hurting the people you love, so you put in the distance. That's when I realized that I was one of those people. You kept running, but you'd always come through for me when I needed you to be there." Jay shrugged and gave her a small smile. "You've never once shown me that you'd never be there when I needed you, we just had to figure it out. We took the longest damn road, but we got here."

"Yeah, we did." Erin nodded, turning her head to the crib to look at their tiny little human. "you know, growing up? Having a kid was something that happened by accident. It wasn't something that was planned or romanticised." Erin laughed again when Jay raised an eyebrow at her, almost a _yes, because Millie was planned_ look. "You know what I mean. Kids were a result of too much of something and not enough common sense. No-one had kids out of love."

There was a pause, long enough for Jay to move his pillow to support his head better, allowing him to run a hand up and down Erin's arm as well as through her hair. She adored his touch. It always calmed her, she always sought his warmth whenever she was afraid or hurting, or angry because he knew how to soothe her, which is maybe why she was able to talk right there and then, about the way she was raised.

"I used to hear the old ladies in the store or the kids in my class when I moved in with Voight and Camille talk about having a kid as this romanticized thing; half you and half the person you love. How creating this tiny human was this miracle and special and born out of love that two people had for each other and I never really thought about it until I found out I was pregnant." Erin's voice was raspier than usual, thick with emotion. Her eyes shining with tears and almost instantly Jay was holding her to him, kissing her hair and whispering reassurances against the thick strands.

This wasn't something that Erin Lindsey had ever thought she'd have. Not only did she have her own little miracle in Millie, she also had the love of a good man. A man she never felt like she deserved. The kind of man who treated you nice because he wanted to, not because he felt like he had to or he wanted something in return. She had the love of a man, and loved a man, who had stepped on up when he told him about the baby, who had offered to relocate to New York to help her. A man who willingly took overtime, working a stupid amount of hours, only to come home and clean up the apartment, cooking food for her so she wouldn't have to and making sure she was comfortable.

The last thing Erin Lindsey thought about before she fell asleep, lulled into her dreams by the steady rise and fall of his chest, the steady beat of his heart; was how proud she was to wear his mother's ring, to be here with him and Millie and how much she was looking forward to the rest of her life for the first time in a long time.

 _How long do you wanna be loved, is forever enough? 'Cause I'm never ever giving you up._


	4. When Someone Stops Loving You

**A/N: I promise I haven't forgotten this series I've just been so excited while writing my Lullaby series that I haven't updated this. There are a few more updates to come over the next week and then it'll be a once a week thing - probably a friday night. Anyway, this story broke my heart to write! Huge shout out to HalsteadPD for inspiring this and being an amazing human to me 3 This one is for you, Grasshopper! As always leave any comments, reviews - or send them to me!**

 **Song: When someone stops loving you - Little Big Town.**

 **I dare you to listen as you read.**

* * *

 _Still gotta button up your collared shirt_ _  
_ _The one she used to button down_ _  
_ _Sleep on the mattress where her body left a curve_ _  
_ _Or maybe just the couch_ _  
_

The only time Jay was usually in either a suit, his military green or his Police blues these days were court appearances or funerals. Which is why when the chance to go undercover as a uniform had come up, Jay had jumped at the chance. Give himself a different set of memories in the uniform.

The case had closed now, and Jay hadn't bothered to change back into his regular clothes, he'd finished his paperwork and headed straight home, making one stop on the way. It had been months. Months of nothing but silence. He'd fallen into his routine and it was unshakable, he'd been numb. He'd been numb until he'd heard Al talking to Voight about how she was doing in New York and suddenly he'd felt sick. He'd broken out in a cold sweat and he'd had to go make himself coffee in the breakroom to calm himself back down. The raw grief gripping him hard. It had felt like someone had torn his heart from his chest and all of a sudden he was empty again. Hollow. But the agony had stayed, taken up residence in his chest, and it beat like his heart did. Every step, every breath _hurt_ and he had no idea how it was going to work.

So on the way home; to his new apartment, one that didn't have floor to ceiling windows and band posters, he'd stopped at the liquor store. He'd promised Will that he wouldn't do this again, promised the guys at his support group that he'd talk it out, but he didn't much feel like talking about this. Not tonight anyway. Tonight, he wanted an escape. He wanted the numbness back. He didn't feel strong enough to talk it out, to actually voice the thoughts that had been bouncing around his head since the moment she left the breakroom, leaving him stranding there, gripping the counter. Jay had hated the pity in her eyes, hated the way she left him, but he hated the hurt in her eyes more – knowing he was the one who put it there.

His key turned in the lock and he pushed the door open, his tie and jacket being tossed haphazardly in the general direction of the coat hook, his vest following suit. He walked into the living room, pausing in the doorway, debating a glass, but deciding he didn't need it. He snorted at the blanket and the pillow on the sofa. He hadn't slept in an actual bed since he walked out of her – _their_ – apartment. He'd tried when he moved in here. But sleep wouldn't come and he found himself back out on the sofa. Will had found it strange when he needed a place to crash that he got the bed, but he decided not to question it.

Jay dropped onto the sofa and placed his badge and gun on the table, nudging them over with his foot as he leaned back and put his feet on the table, reaching for the remote and turning the sports highlights on. Removing the bottle of whiskey from the paper bag, he opened and it took a large swig, wincing as he swallowed and coughing, but taking another swig. After the third, the amber liquid went down smoothly and he settled himself back into the cushions, the last few years flicking through his mind.

He loved her. Probably had from the moment he set eyes on her; hearing her give Antonio shit. That raspy voice of hers and then her laugh. Just thinking about his now was like a punch to his gut and he took another swig to dull the pain. She'd given him a look when he walked in, called him cocky. He'd bit back the original retort and went for something along the lines of fitting in well here. She'd laughed. Voight had told her to take the grasshopper under her wing, show him the ropes. She'd been his first female partner. She'd set the bar. Erin Lindsey had been a fucking storm in a teacup and Jay Halstead had been the one shattered and scarred when the china had cracked and sprayed in various directions. He'd do it all again, though. Every single little thing. He'd break apart a million and one times to save her; take the fall, take the hit. He knew this just as sure as he knew his army number, just as sure as he knew tomorrow the sun would rise and set.

Jay had never loved anyone the way he loved her. There was something about her that he couldn't stay away from and it wasn't sexual. It wasn't something that he could figure out. She was an enigma to him and his world just felt better knowing that she was gonna be there when he went to work; long before they had started dating, long before he'd gone to her high school reunion with her, he'd known she was going to turn his world upside down.

He swallowed hard and took another drink; something swelling in his chest that he didn't want to name, but the pain was real. He'd take another bullet in the shoulder. Hell, he'd take a bullet anywhere at this point for this ache to go away. Jay had only known this feeling one other time in his life and as his mind tried to go there he took a longer drink of the liquor, coughing but letting his eyes drift close.

Erin Lindsey was _it._ That was clear. She wasn't like the rest of them. She was broken and beautiful and pulled together. She'd left him before. Technically three times, but who was counting? He wasn't. She'd chosen the job over him; her job. He'd told her he understood that being her partner was enough; but he couldn't tell her how he slept better with her in his bed, couldn't tell her she'd been the one to keep him together, to keep the nightmares away. She needed to keep her job and to please Voight. Jay loved his job; but he'd always loved her more. He'd have given his damn badge to keep her, but he understood her want to keep Voight onside.

Then she'd quit. She didn't tell him; barely looked at him when he'd finally tracked her down. She didn't care. She'd left him. She'd walked away from him when he'd begged her for closure. He'd needed it, couldn't deal with the fact there was no goodbye. _Just like this time._ He took another drink and realised that this was turning into a game of Never Have I with his own damned mind. He'd chuckled, but it was humourless. It sounded broken and fake and he cleared his throat.

She'd come back that time. She'd been the one to save him from the drug Lord after 24 hours of hell. She'd come into the room like a fucking _angel_ and while she looked like hell? She'd been so beautiful in that moment. _She'd come back before_ , the thought offered hope, but as quickly as it rose it was squashed back down. Erin had said she could handle it; handle whatever demons he was fighting, carry the weight of his luggage from war. Under the guise of needing time, though, of them both needing time, she'd taken his confession of seeking help and fled. Then after some pretty painful cases, some heart wrenching interactions, she'd gone.

He'd given the ring back to Will on Monday. Hadn't said anything, just handed it over. That's when Will had followed him out into the parking lot and begged him to talk it over. There was no point in talking, however. No point at all. He'd been talking for months, once a week. Didn't fix him. It broke him on a weekly basis.

How do you talk over not being enough for someone? How do you talk about needing space and getting so much more than you bargained for? How do you talk about someone leaving without saying goodbye? How do you talk about not being worth that much? Jay scrubbed a hand down his face and took another drink before glancing at the bottle and letting out another humourless laugh. He'd managed to drink around a third of the bottle in the half hour he'd been in apartment and the hangover was going to be a bitch when he woke up; but a physical pain was something easier to deal with than the thoughts in his head.

There was another thought circulating; but he'd been pushing that one deeper and deeper. He couldn't look that one in the eye yet; Jay knew he wouldn't be able to keep this in check if he did. He'd managed so far at keeping his tears at bay; keeping the tidal wave grief inside for close to a week. He figured he'd past denial and anger, skipped bargaining and was now in the deep depressive state of losing someone. He just didn't want to be here, wanted to get to the acceptance. Wanted to reach the part that everyone _thought_ he was at. They'd expected him to be there months before she'd taken the job in New York. Except, he wasn't. Couldn't. Hope of a reunion was definitely a cruel mistress.

Jay felt his stomach churn and decided that perhaps drinking on an empty stomach was probably the wrong idea; but he was already starting to feel more relaxed, less tense. He was already beginning to go numb. He put his feet on the floor and stood, taking two steps before his stumble had him catching the leg of the coffee table, tripping up and hitting the floor, his hand knocking the small table he'd taken to dumping the keys and sending it flying, the table hitting the floor and the contents of the drawer scattering everywhere. Luckily enough he'd had the wherewithal to keep the bottle from hitting the floor. He pushed to his knees, cradling the bottle and taking another drink as he assessed the damage, wondering if anyone would call the cops or come see if he was okay.

He doubted it. No one actually cared. He'd probably lay here for days before anyone would come looking for him. The thought was a sobering one and Jay took another long pull from the bottle before putting it down on the floor and crawling towards the wreckage, because it was safer this way and it wouldn't hurt so much if he fell over. There were the usual things in that drawer; spare batteries, bullets for his gun, an address book, a pen and paper, a candle and a lighter. He gathered the items up, dropping some again and then finally putting them all in the drawer and righting the table, sliding the drawer back in.

A piece of paper caught his eye, near the entrance to the kitchen and he reached to get it, wobbling slightly but catching himself and dragging it towards him. When Jay turned the paper over, his breath caught and his word spun. It was a picture of him and his mother, he was about 5 and she was smiling at him as he played with his police car. Jay felt the bile rise in his throat and he put the photo on the table as he stumbled to his feet, crashing shoulder first into the wall and groaning before finally making it to the bathroom and emptying the contents of his stomach into the toilet.

He managed to get his knees under him as he hugged the porcelain, body shuddering through the heaves of his body. Bourbon never did taste quite as good coming back up as it did going down. When he finally was reduced to drive heaves he wiped his mouth and pushed to his feet, flushing the toilet and moving to the sink to rinse his mouth out. He caught sight of himself in the mirror when he spat into the sink and saw his mother's eyes looking back at him in place of his own and suddenly couldn't hold it in anymore; his shoulders shaking as he dropped to the ground again.

His mind was spinning as he allowed himself to feel the rush of emotions; the loss and loneliness, the hurt and the fear, the bitter heartbreak and disappointment, the feelings of inadequacy and emptiness. Jay's entire body began to shake as he drew his knees to his chest for protection; not fighting the tears as they finally came. Allowing himself to mourn the loss of his relationship; sobbing harder, gasping sobs, as the reality set deep into his bones and the pain rocked him from his core.

Erin had left him multiple times; proved time and time again that she was fine without him; that in their relationship, he was the one who loved the most and he was okay with that. Why was this time so different? Why was this time so final? So permanent?

As his sobs grew louder, the pain tearing through him at an alarming rate along with the one thought he'd tried to keep buried.

Everyone woman he'd ever loved had left him.

 _When someone stops loving you_ _  
_ _It don't keep the sun from rising,  
the clock from winding,  
your heart from beating_ _  
_ _Even when you want it to_ _  
_


	5. Unconditionally

**A/N: I heard this song on the radio driving home from work and it just worked so well for them that I couldn't not put it in. Especially after destroying souls and breaking hearts in my last chapter. It was important to me to have some time just to post this and have you smile again.**

 **Thank you all so much for your continued support; every message, every favourite, every follow really does mean a lot to me!**

* * *

 _Come just as you are to me_ _  
_ _Don't need apologies_ _  
_ _Know that you are all worthy_ _  
_ _I'll take your bad days with your good_ _  
_ _Walk through this storm I would_ _  
_ _I'd do it all because I love you, I love you_ _  
_

Jay Halstead was a romantic son of a bitch. This was something that Erin Lindsey had learned pretty early on, before they started dating. She'd know that he was thoughtful and attentive and would find a way to brighten your day without drawing attention to himself. The amount of post it's she got with smiley faces drawn on them made her grin. She'd kept everything he'd ever given her in an envelope and when she felt down and he wasn't around, she'd grab it and sneak into the break room or the locker room and look through them. Some days, those were the difference between her losing her shit at work, or losing her shit against his chest in their apartment.

Some of the cases had been ridiculous lately and she'd felt herself wanting to slip into bad habits. Ready to pick up more than the couple of beers she and Jay usually shared, ready to drink more than the couple of shots of whatever he'd pour for her before the bottle went back up on top of her kitchen cupboards and she'd have to climb to reach. He was always there though, Jay, with a soft touch, a kind word, a kiss on the back of the head. Things with IA, with Justin, with the missing woman and then Platt, it had just gotten to the point where she had to talk herself out of bed in the morning.

That was when she realised that Jay Halstead wasn't just attentive and romantic. That was the day she learned that Jay Halstead was capable of loving her in ways that she never thought existed, ways she thought only existed in the movies.

She'd spent the night before screaming at him; picking fights over everything and nothing. Things that weren't actually bothering her, she was determined to make him walk away. Make him leave. Push him far enough so he would go out of their apartment and she could climb the counter, get the good stuff and not feel guilty about it. Except he _just wouldn't leave._

Erin had tried low blows, tried anything she could think of. She'd almost brought up his relationship with his father, but couldn't bring herself to hurt Jay like that. So she'd mentioned Gabby and Allie, she'd brought up the fact that Mouse was back in the desert and wanted to know why Jay wouldn't go back. He'd simply swallowed and turned to face her, clenching his teeth enough that his jaw flexed and she knew she hit a nerve, a raw nerve at that. However, when he'd turned to her, those blue green eyes filled with hurt, she'd bit her damn tongue before stumbling over apologies.

"Erin," he said softly, his hand reaching out to cup her face as they sat on the sofa, his other hand taking hers and linking their fingers. "I get it." He said, a smile on his face, albeit a sad one. "I get what you're doing and you can keep swinging at me all night, I'm not letting you do this to yourself."

Erin's bottom lip trembled as she leaned into his hand, because she'd never known someone who was so attuned to her needs that they could work out all her tells and still sit there with her.

"Jay—" She started to speak, but he leaned over and pressed a soft kiss to her lips that tasted of forgiveness, of love and hope and she immediately shut up and moved closer. She sought out his heat as she slid towards him on the sofa, his arm wrapping around her shoulders and letting her absorb his body heat.

"I don't wanna hear apologies. We can work on your coping strategies when you're feeling better, slugger." He teased, the corner of his mouth lifting in a half smirk. "What I wanna know is what's wrong." His pad of his thumb was soft against the skin of her hand and she felt a fresh wave of tears forming, dipping her head so he wouldn't see. Jay had other ideas, however, and dipped his head, too, attempting to catch her eyes.

"He had everything to live for." Her voice was broken and Jay's lips were warm against her forehead, and Erin fought to keep the tears in, just for the moment, because Jay deserved to know why she was picking fights with him, why he was the one holding them together by himself. "He had a son. He was really turning his life around, Jay." Her fingers had wrapped into the cotton of his shirt, a grip on him so tight that the sleeve was making an indent in his arm. "He was helping a friend."

Jay swallowed, his lips still pressed against Erin's forehead, moving only when she hiccupped a sob. "Sometimes it takes longer for some people to find their way in life, Erin." He soothed, his arm pulling her ever closer, cheek resting in her head. "Sometimes people have things they can't run from and they have to face them head on. Like you did with Charlie." His voice was soft, but heavy with pride and Erin felt it envelope her like his hug was. It always felt like this whenever she heard that in his voice; or when she watched him relay some take down she'd done or some other _badass_ thing she'd accomplished. It was never because she was girl, it was _always_ because he was damn proud of his partner and wanted everyone to know it.

"Charlie was small compared to somethings." The statement was out of her mouth without passing through the filter and she tensed, but Jay didn't, he didn't change, only moved to kiss her head again.

"Was that supposed to scare me off?" He asked, dipping his head to meet her gaze, "Because you're doing a really crap job of doing that." He let out a small _oof_ of breath when Erin punched him, looking up and catching his smile, any annoyance melting on the spot. "I'm serious, there's nothing you got going on that I can't handle, that I _won't_ handle." Jay told her with a grin, leaning in to kiss her softly.

When she pulled away, she scooted closer, the weight of her grief over Justin still pressing heavily against her chest. Jay had pointed out numerous times that she hadn't grieved for him, not properly. Not with knowing what Voight had done, what they'd _let him do._ Jay wasn't stupid, he'd known what Voight had done, what Erin had done, but he'd never opened his mouth because he didn't want to lose her. When Jay tilted his head, the question he'd been asking for months shining back at her in his eyes, she simply allowed him to pull her closer, curling against his chest, her fingers gripping his shirt.

All it took for her to let go was the words he murmured against her hair and the soft way he stroked her back. "It's okay, you're safe here. I got you, babe."

* * *

The first thing she noticed when she woke up was the fact that she was alone on the sofa, the second was the smell of pancakes filtering through the apartment. The third was the fact that Jay Halstead really couldn't sing a note and Nickleback didn't sound any better being warbled by him. She pushed herself up into a seated position and stretched, grinning at the patchwork blanket draped over her. His mom had made this and it was absolutely his prized possession, but he'd deny it if anyone asked him and say it was his motorcycle picture that had hung above his bed. Little did they know, his mom had gotten that for him, too. The fact she was wearing his shirt meant one thing; she'd cried herself to sleep and Jay had fallen asleep, too, and when he'd woken up, he'd decided that putting his shirt on her and then arranging them on the sofa was better, somehow, than just carrying her to bed.

Erin never felt smaller than when she was wearing his shirts; he wasn't hugely muscular, but his shirts certainly still swamped her enough for them to make her feel small and safe and cherished. She shuffled to her feet and made her way into the kitchen, stretching on her way and tilting her head as she watched him move effortlessly around the kitchen.

"Hey, sleepyhead." He grinned, looking over his shoulder, his sweatpants sitting sinfully low on his hips and causing her to smirk and blush all at the same time. "Breakfast is almost ready. I knew pancakes would wake you."

Erin grunted her agreement and he threw his head back on a laugh that made her tummy flip and her heart race and she was stupidly hung up on this guy. He did however, step towards the other counter and picked up her mug, turning to hand her the massive mug off coffee, a boyish grin on his face. Her eyes lit up and he chuckled again as she took the mug from him and sipped the liquid, letting out a happy sigh before pushing up onto her tiptoes for a kiss.

"Go get yourself settled and I'll bring them through." He told her, kissing her again and then swatting at her ass, sending her on her merry way, with a laugh and a glare when some coffee sloshed over the side of her mug and onto the floor. "I got it," he told her holding his hands up.

"Damn straight, Halstead." She muttered, heading back into the living room and placing the cup down on the coffee table gently, rearranging the blanket and the cushion before she plopped herself down on the sofa again and flipped on the TV to watch the morning cartoons. He leaned her head on the back of the sofa when Jay asked her did she want everything on her pancakes and she sent him a snarky reply about knowing what was good for him.

It wasn't until she lifted her head that a little ball of orange and green caught her eye by the fireplace; crinkled paper and she moved to investigate, a frown on her face when she settled back on the sofa after retrieving them. Balled up paper. Erin slowly unfolded them, untangled them and then grinned, tears filling her eyes when she saw what was written on them, Jay's scrawl across the orange paper simply read " _I love you."_ But there was a line through the u as though someone had bumped him when he was writing it, or he'd tried to hid it. The other one had her heart growing too big for her chest. This imperfect note was coffee stained and torn through the middle, but she could still work out what it said and she carefully folded them both and stashed them in her jeans that were neatly folded on the floor next to his. She fully planned to add them to the collection he'd already given her, but she knew the coffee stained post it note would always be her favorite, would always be her go to pick me up from then on out.

 _Unconditionally._


	6. This Ain't Goodbye

Hello, One and All.  
It has been the longest time since this has been updated and I can only apologise. I hope to have this up and running a little more often. As always if there is anything you want me to write, please feel free.  
I'm challenging myself to do a 21 day prompt thing, so I'll post a drabble once a day for 21 days to get back into the habit - it can focus on any and all CPD characters, can be canon or AU or a mix of both. So feel free to drop me a PM or get me over on tumblr - GlasgowGirl92

This contains spoilers from the season 5 finale, so be warned! The song this time around is "this ain't goodbye" by train.

x

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This Ain't Goodbye

"The thing is, though, Death may have taken Al, but it can never, _ever_ take the memories we have of him. It can't take the way he made us feel. It can't touch the laughter we shared, or the quiet guidance that Al gave us."

Jay watched as Rhea delivered the address as he sat stoically in the pew, one of his hands clasping Hailey's and the other resting on Ruzek's shoulder as the other man fought to control his emotions. Atwater had an arm around Burgess, holding her close to him as Antonio held her hand. Platt and Voight were just in front, neither of them making any kind of move to wipe the tears that had fallen since the redhead had gotten up, taken the 25 purposeful steps that lead to the microphone and began the address 3 minutes ago. He chose to ignore the empty seat between Platt and the end of the row, it had been kept deliberately for someone that hadn't shown up and he didn't want to bring _those_ thoughts to the front, because then he really would be struggling to hold it together.

Jay had been going second by second through this day, putting one foot in front of the other, taking one question, one response, one acknowledgement at a time. Things had been hazy since the rooftop, everyone in some sort of daze as they worked with Al's wife to put this together, to organize the service, to organize the small gathering afterwards. It had been an arduous task and something no-one wanted to do, not really, because everything would be so _final._ Jay couldn't really remember the last time he'd slept properly, which had earned him a serious talking to from both his therapist and his brother and a vitamin drink that said 'orange' on the label but tasted like piss when he drank it.

He scanned the crowd, or as much of it as he could see, counting heads as he alternated between squeezing Ruzek's shoulder and stroking Hailey's hand. He was aware he wasn't really listening to Rhea as she spoke, the small tremor of giggles that moved through those gathered clued him into her doing what she did best – making people feel more comfortable and at ease. It was part of IAs plan, everyone suspected, when they dropped the detective into their unit. Jay was sure though; that their plan had backfired spectacularly because Rhea now went to bat whenever someone questioned Intelligence and either she was sincere, or she was the best UC on the plant and should teach a class.

Detective Rhea Kingsley had been a godsend to the unit, slowly becoming part of the team and now she was the glue that was making sure everyone managed to get through this day. She'd turned up at the precinct with coffee and a lint roller, had been a set of hands that had steadily straightened out uniforms, had been a calm but firm voice in redirecting anyone and everyone who attempted to cross Platt, been the reassuring smile in the room when Adam and Kevin both tried to speak as the team tried to work out who was going to give the eulogy.

Which is why she was up there now, reading everyone's words, being the voice they couldn't be, speaking the words - _their_ words - they couldn't speak. Every waver in her strong, loud, clear voice hit the congregation gathered and both hurt and healed them. Jay had always seen a little bit of Al in her, the person who would stand their quietly, listening but not interrupting and being that one solid person, you knew would have your six no matter what happened. She'd had their six since Al was taken into custody and essentially been the one who kept everyone on the straight and Woods at bay. A go between, if you like, but he'd saw her the other night crying in the locker room and he'd entered, both sitting side by side on the wooden bench as she cried.

He'd learned pretty quickly that she didn't like being touched and he respected that, only placing his hand on her knee when she was hiccupping to let her know that he wasn't going anywhere. When she'd gotten herself together, Rhea had hugged him in thanks and nodded before going to take a shower. Jay had returned to his desk to pack his things up and tidy it, heading back to the locker rooms 20 minutes later in time to see a mass of red curls heading out. They hadn't talked about it since and it wasn't something he was going to push.

Jay cleared his throat and let go of Ruzek's shoulder to wipe away the tears that had spilled onto his cheeks unchecked, attention snapping back to the room, to the silence as Rhea regained her composure and flipped the card, swallowing and continuing to speak.

"Al didn't like fancy words, or flowery poetry, so I'll leave you with one of the best pieces of advice he's ever given me. _Sometimes, the good doesn't always win, but it always shows up, kid. So, you gotta get yourself up of that concrete and show up."_ The pauses in the sentence, the smile at the end and the discreet way she wiped her tears as she made her way back to her seat as the minister began to speak again, Rhea slipping in beside Hailey lifting her hat from the bench and taking her friend's other hand, squeezing tight, all without making eye contact with anyone.

Jay remembered the case that Al had said those words – a child trafficking ring, a shipping container of dead bodies and diplomatic immunity that had them all silenced, Rhea sitting on the concrete a mixture of devastated and angry. He turned slightly to look at her now, her eyes firmly in front, lips set in a determined line, her mascara slightly smudged from where she'd wiped at her eyes. She might have been Hailey's friend and former partner, but she was Alvin's pick for intelligence and after today, Jay could see why. She was rock steady under intense pressure and easily picked up the slack for everyone.

It was only when Rhea moved, slipping her gloves back on, standing and placing her hat on her head that Jay realized this part of the service was over and they all needed to start the rest of this intense day. He spared a glance towards Voight and Platt, both of them standing, waiting for the others to file out and Jay let out a breath. Rhea had waited, reaching to give both Voight and Platt a pat on the shoulder and then filed out of the pew followed by the rest of the team and precinct who had shown up today to pay their respects.

When he'd ensured that both Adam and Hailey were steady on their feet, Jay slipped his hat on and followed the women as they made their way out onto the street. There was something playing softly in the crowd and Jay had a moment to look around, falling into line with the rest of his team and the two uniforms they'd come to use recently. Some other officers began to make their way to their cars and Jay knew those would be the outriders and felt something churn inside of him, fighting his own emotions as Adam took a deep breath beside him, causing Jay to place his hand on the man's shoulder again, giving it a squeeze and earning a nod. Today was a lesson in silent communication, and that was something Intelligence had always done incredibly well.

Jay tilted his head to catch Rhea's gaze and subtly indicated Adam and she moved towards them, slipping between them and passing Hailey's hand off into his in the process. Platt had already called the tribute back at the station, but it had been agreed that Voight would do it again here, and then the commander would do it one last time at the crematorium. Al hadn't wanted to be buried, once joked with Jay that he should take him to that Weed place Jay had ran security for and leave him there. The thought brought a soft smile to his face before the silence fell upon them, Voight taking his place at the top of the church steps and immediately everyone fell into place; standing shoulder to shoulder, all eyes on the man in uniform at the top of the steps as the flowers were placed inside the hearse.

Hearing Voight's voice break had Jay holding his breath, moving through the motions as he thought of anything and everything, letting muscle memory take over, feeling the entire group of policemen and women move in sync as the door to the hearse closed and the quiet purr of the engine started, piercing the sound of the silence that had settled thick and heavy. It was a physical weight, something Jay hadn't felt in a long time, but his shoulders ached and his eyes stung and everything was slowly starting to go a little bit pear shaped in his plan not to cry in front of everyone.

It was the soft touch on his arm, the gentle tilt of her head and the reassuring smile that had Jay walking blindly towards the Sierra and opening the door to allow for the girls to climb in the backseat. He raised a brow, pausing when Rhea didn't make a move to get into the car, giving her a nod and letting her walk towards Voight's car without making a big deal about it. He understood what she was doing and he appreciated it; letting them have their space as the group to deal with this but staying close. With Hailey, Adam and Kim all tucked in the backseat, he and Kevin climbed in the front with Jay behind the wheel. He waited for Voight's car to pass and take its place in the motorcade, noticing that Rhea was in fact driving, as he took his place behind. Jay made use of the pause and the privacy of the car to check his phone. He'd text Erin and told her about the arrangements, but all he'd received in response seemed almost generic – a simple thank you and a condolence. It had hurt like a bitch to read it, took his trembling hands a full twenty minutes to send a simple thank you back to her before adding if she needed him he was there.

Jay had half expected her to show up at the precinct when she'd found out, half expected the whole force of the FBI being brought down on the people responsible. He'd waited, breath catching every time someone was buzzed up, every time the phone rang. But she hadn't. Jay had looked for her this morning at the station, he'd kept an eye as they made their way to the cars, as Platt struggled to corral everyone from behind the desk and intelligence had ended up in the small office just across from her desk. He'd watched the crowed, waiting for her to appear, but he hadn't seen her.

He hadn't seen her inside the church, either, but he knew she was here. He had that same feeling he'd always get when she was around, but it felt _different_ somehow. He took a second to look around the crowd, only putting the car into drive and moving forward when Kevin cleared his throat. They'd turned the radio off, sitting in silence as they moved through the streets and Jay focused on counting the blocks, on working out what he was going to eat for dinner tonight, on the fact he'd need to put his uniform into the cleaners, anything but Al and funerals and _her_ and what a shit show the past 12 months had been.

The rest of the service turned into one big blur as Jay worked on not feeling anything, not dealing with anything and being the one strong enough to help his friends through their grief. He and Rhea proved a solid team: making sure everyone was where they needed to be, everyone had the hugs and the comfort and the support they needed. Rhea had worked around the immovable Voight, held both Kim and Adam's hands at different times and had switched gloves with Kim when her gloves had ended up smeared and Kim had gotten upset over not looking her best for Al.

The hardest part was getting everyone back into their vehicles and getting everyone back to Molly's for some finger food and alcohol. It took careful planning, but it was enough to keep Jay's overactive mind on something that wasn't how he was feeling as he and Rhea took several trips from the door of the funeral home to the car to get the team in the vehicles and on their way. Rhea had ended up taking Hailey with her and Antonio went with Jay but it was only another set of steady hands and Jay gladly relinquished driving duties to the older man.

They'd taken the cars back to the precinct and had arrived to those from Stationhouse 51 and Med who had been able to be there waiting to give them a ride to Molly's. Jay had nodded once at his brother, accepted the handshake and the promise of a hangover cure in the morning – something which Will was once dead set against. It had been another mini operation to get everyone sorted and into a car, but when they'd arrived at Molly's the sense of finality had hit Jay hard and sucked the breath from his lungs, and he couldn't physically cross the threshold.

He leaned against the wall, working on his breathing exercises, and smiled at those as they passed him, waving people off when they stopped to speak to him. He did accept Rhea's pat on the chest, the weight of her hand slowing his racing heart slightly and almost releasing the tightness in his chest. It was over in a second and she was in the building, leaving him alone on the sidewalk with nothing but his thoughts.

"She's good."

It was two words, but Jay felt the hair on his body stand up and barely swallowed the gasp that wanted to fight its way through his throat and into the empty street.

"Yeah, she is." His own voice sounded alien to him, tight and quiet. He turned his head to look at the woman who had spoken those words, forcing a smile and pushing himself up off the wall. The surge of anger that came with the movement confused him momentarily as she approached, and he grit his teeth to keep it in check.

"Hank seems to think so."

This was small talk, the awkward combination of words that always seemed to come whenever it got awkward and the feeling of it being awkward between them was so alien to him that he wanted to push everything to one side and put it back to the way it was. When she put her hands in her pockets and offered him a small smile, the anger surged and it made sense this time.

Jay had so much he wanted to say in that moment. A wide variety of words and phrases, a whole plethora of things that he'd had bottled up for years. The sentences that were on the tip of his tongue ranged from _She's not you,_ and _She's a solid cop_ to _she's rock solid, she won't leave_ but the only thing that came out was "So did Al." and even then he couldn't get more out passed that and the stale air between them made him wince.

His question about the length of her stay and her statement about him looking good collided, her answer of leaving in the morning and his of so do you also clashed, and their sighs finally united them. Jay rubbed the back of his neck and she looked down.

"So…" She started, and Jay let out a humourless chuckle, shaking his head and swallowing.

"You could have called." There was something about the way he said it, not quite passive aggressive and not quite angry but somewhere in between and the brunette looked taken aback. Even Jay was taken aback, because he wasn't sure what he meant or when he meant.

"I'm…I couldn't."

Jay's mouth was in a hard set line, because he wanted to push this, wanted answers to the plethora of questions he had, but this wasn't the time or the place and wasn't going to disrespect Al like that.

She must have sense it; sensed the conflict of emotions within him because she took a step back and held up a hand. "I wanted to, I just…didn't know what to say."

Jay nodded curtly once, because there was _so much_ she could have said and for her not to know what he wanted to hear, what he needed to hear? Then she did the right thing in saying nothing.

His name and her name tangled together and that got him to smile softly, putting his hands in his pockets and tilting his head at her. He was trying to keep himself together and here she was, the only woman left in the world that could undo him with a smile.

"Not here," Jay shook his head, finally managing to get something out that was worthwhile. "But I'd like to hang out before you head back, if that's okay, Erin." He hated how unsure he sounded, but he couldn't take it back and he bit his tongue to wait it out for her to answer.

Her dimples lit up her face long before her words registered with him.

"I was hoping you'd say that. My flight leaves at noon."

Jay wanted to ask her to come over to his tonight, to get something to eat, to talk, but he wasn't that selfish and there was someone who needed her a lot more than he did in that moment, shockwaves running through his veins when he realised that.

"Breakfast?" The offer was out before he could really think it through and the brunette was nodding and moving, taking a hug and he wrapped his arms around her, holding her against him as she nodded into his chest. "we should head in," Jay cleared his throat and stepped back, busying himself with opening the door for her, the familiar sound of laughter filtering from the bar.

"Yeah, yeah we should." She nodded, tucking her hair behind her ear, taking his lead and heading in, leaving him time to steal himself and enter the bar, a curt nod to the raised eyebrow of the red head sitting at the bar.

The dawn was still tinging the sky a beautiful pink colour when he set eyes on her, walking through the 24hour diner to meet him. Jay couldn't fight the smile from his face and Erin returned it, slipping into the booth and picking up the coffee he'd already ordered for her, taking a sip and shaking her head.

It felt like nothing had changed. Like this was before and not after and that nothing life altering had happened to either of them in-between. It was just _them,_ just Jay and Erin, Halstead and Lindsey and it was early morning and the day was just about to begin. Except, it wasn't quite like that anymore. There was no _them_ or Jay and Erin or Halstead and Lindsey and their day wasn't just starting. She was catching a flight back to New York in a few hours and he was punching into Intelligence, into a unit that was one man down and already felt old, cold and different. However, Jay allowed himself to be in the moment, feel whatever it was he was feeling at that point, knowing that it would end up changing the second they started to bite into the elephant in the room.

He let Erin order first, ordering the same pancake stack and side of bacon as he always did whenever she ordered waffles, knowing that they'd end up sharing anyway. It's just how they worked. The silence felt different today than it had yesterday; it felt less dense, less angry, less stale. Jay felt like he could breathe.

Erin cleared her throat and looked down at her coffee, the dawn colouring the curve of her cheeks and casting shadows under her eyes beneath her lashes. Now that he had given himself time to really look at her; she didn't look all that different, but like an entirely different person all at once. Her hair was shorter, lighter. She was wearing more make up than she had, her nails were French manicured, and she was wearing jewellery. She looked better than she had working with him, but she looked more exhausted, too.

"You know, I've always been able to feel your eyes on me." She spoke softly, more to her coffee than anything, her smile not quite meeting her eyes when she looked up. "I never thought I'd miss it."

Jay smiled, looking out of the window at the sleepy Chicago street, knowing that in a few short hours it would be busy and bustling, and the world would continue to turn regardless of how he felt. He'd missed looking over at her desk and seeing her there, missed knowing she had his back. But then Voight had changed the Bullpen around and while it made sense, it changed everything, and he still occasionally found himself looking for her desk whenever he entered the room.

"I never thought I'd have to miss doing it." The words were almost soundless, a whispered confession that slipped through the cracks of a broken heart, raw and vulnerable and he almost wanted to shove them back, apologise for saying it when he heard her audible intake of breath. _Almost_.

"Jay." His name sounded so broken coming from her lips and he swallowed, eventually looking back at her, meeting her eyes. "It was never about you." She shook her head. "You need to understand that."

"No, what I needed was my partner to tell me what the hell was going on before she booked it out of town. I needed a goodbye Erin."

"You would have tried to stop me—"

"I—" Jay tried to interject, sitting up straight in the booth.

Erin held her hand up and Jay closed his mouth, "I _needed_ to go, Voight told me to go. I was in the shit Jay and you know it."

"Yeah, you were and it was hitting the damn fan," his voice was hushed and he levelled her with a look when the waitress brought their food over, sensing the obvious tension and scurrying off. "I could have helped, Erin."

"I was losing my badge, Jay. My career. Everything I'd worked for." Erin didn't even look at her plate, her dark eyes firmly on Jay and he met her gaze.

"So your career was more important than calling me, than working this thing out?" He almost snarled at her, indicating between them with his hand. The silence that fell was tighter and more suffocating than it was outside the bar and Jay was having trouble swallowing. She was right, he would have fought for her to stay, to face this, to _fix_ it. "I would have come with you." The words that fell from his lips filled the silence between them before he could have stopped them; it was now or never to be completely honest.

Jay wasn't sure what hurt more; the beat she waited before her response or the response itself.

"I didn't want you to."

He kept his eyes locked on hers, his jaw clenching against the tidal wave of emotion that was building; his heart racing as he gripped the table. He'd known this, deep down, when takes turned into weeks which turned into months of no contact. But hearing her say it, hearing those words in her raspy voice? It was more than he'd expected.

It took a good few minutes for him to work himself down from the edge, to talk himself down and in that time he found himself beginning to cut up his food and her to do the same. Neither one of them said anything else right away, the bond they shared seemed fragile now and the wrong words would sever it completely.

"I needed a fresh start." Her voice was quiet, and only then did he notice the tears on her cheeks and he let out a breath, sitting back against the booth and picking up his coffee cup, hands trembling as he brought it to his mouth. "Chicago isn't good for me, Jay, there's too much here that dragged me in deep and wouldn't let go."

He listened quietly, sipping on his coffee as she spoke, her words sinking through the pain as she began to explain the slide she was on in Chicago from her point of view and her relationship with her mother. None of the information she gave him was really new but hearing her explain the twists and turns of the last few weeks of her time in the city from her point of view felt better, felt like what he should have had all those months ago.

"Voight told me not to look back because he knew if I did, you'd make me stay." Erin's voice was quiet, almost a whisper and Jay shook his head.

"If you explained this to me, if you told me you _needed_ to get out of here, I wouldn't have tried to make you stay. I would have come with you, or we could have done this whole, me stay you go thing. I dunno," Jay shrugged, eyes shining with unshed tears, "But I do know I wouldn't have carried the guilt and the loss with me like this. Because damnit Erin, it felt a lot like you left _me."_ He wanted to tell her about the ring, but that was entirely too much for this conversation. Jay was exhausted now and his instinct to protect Erin was kicking in and he swallowed. He put his mug back down on the table, leaving his hand resting on the table as he relaxed into the booth.

"I never left you, it was never about that. I wanted to speak to you and to explain it to you, but we were both in a really…difficult spot and a messy headspace and it wasn't right for either of us to have me making it worse for both of us." Erin reached over and took his hand, Jay immediately curling his fingers around hers.

"You think we peaked too soon?" He asked, his eyes locking on hers, body moving without his consent as he reached across to wipe her tears.

"I think if circumstances were different, if maybe it was a different time or place…" Erin trailed off as he wiped her tears, smiling at him.

"Then we'd be somewhere else, some other time, having breakfast together." Jay stated, withdrawing his hand from her face but not letting go of her fingers.

"You were right about someday." She told him, squeezing his hand and picking up her fork. "You said it would definitely happen."

"I know, right, you sound surprised." Jay teased, and picked up his own fork, both going for each other's plates simultaneously, giggling and repeating the motion, eating the lukewarm food before going back to their own plates, not letting go of their hands.

The rest of breakfast was spent discussing cases and cities, the differences between the two and the similarities, the difference between being a fed and a cop. It felt right, it felt normal. It felt like no time had passed. The waitress had seemed a little more comfortable coming to refill their coffee and clear their plates and they even got a smile when she dropped off the bill, a thank you when she returned to collect it. Erin had argued the point when Jay covered the bill but he'd thrown his napkin at her to shut her up and it worked. Jay was just recounting the first case they'd worked with Rhea when his phone bleeped, Voight's name lighting up the screen followed by the word case and an address.

Jay felt Erin's hesitation in sync with his own and he sighed, swallowing hard and pushing to his feet, her hand still in his. He used it to pull her to her feet too and lead her out of the diner.

"I parked behind you." Erin told him, a soft tug on his hand, leading him to their cars and he let her do it, watching her, drinking in every single memory of her he could, filing them to their little Erin Lindsey space in his head.

"So."

"So." Jay smiled when they'd gotten to her car, his heart thundering again and she must have sensed it because she placed her hands flat on his chest and let her thumbs stroke over his jacket, his arms wrapping around her, fingers linking at the base of her spine.

"I promise to call this time." She told him, a sad smile on her face.

"Don't be a stranger, Erin, we might not be together, but I always have your six. It's why you have back up, you know that." Jay gave her what he hoped was a smile and not a grimace, but he could feel his heart breaking and healing at once and it was completely uncomfortable.

"I know." Erin nodded, patting his chest again, tilting her head forward to rest under his chin. "have to put on my own vest." She mumbled and grinned wide at the laugh that bubbled from his chest out into the crisp air.

"You would become a Fed, Erin, I told you last time." He joked with her, before pressing his lips against her hair, catching her forehead when she leaned back and he went to place a second kiss on her head.

This didn't feel like goodbye this time. It didn't feel final. It didn't feel like it had when she last left. It felt like closure and an apology and exactly how it felt when you dropped someone you loved off at the airport when they were going on vacation.

Jay caught her gaze again and he wasn't sure who moved first and years down the line it wouldn't matter, but his lips were pressing against hers and she tasted exactly like she used to; syrup and coffee, but she didn't taste like _his_ anymore and he smiled down at her when she pulled back, eyes glossy again and he knew she felt it, too.

"I'll see you later," he told her, cupping her face and stroking her cheek.

"See you soon, then." Erin grinned, leaning into his touch before stepping back and clearing her throat. Jay instantly leaned over and opened her door, earning a punch on his shoulder from her and a laugh as she got into her car. He closed the door before she could say anything else, tapping the roof when she started the engine, stepping back and putting his trembling hands into his pockets as she pulled out into the morning traffic and began to drive away.

His phone beeped again and he looked down to read the text, more information about the case from Ruzek and Jay cleared his throat, swallowing hard when he looked back up and her car was out of sight. He nodded once, rubbing the back of his neck before making his way to the car and made his way to their latest case; sending up a silent thank you to Al for bringing Erin home and giving them both closure.


End file.
